english journal

2006-11-28T22:51:00.000-08:00

Ok so I'm taking a break from writing paper 5 which I am hoping I do extremely well on so I can pass this class, to write about tattoo's. I am sick of writing about research and all the fun stuff I'm learning about how my skin is eventually going to wrinkle and I'm going to die like I get to write about in paper 5. This is going to be somehwat religion oriented so if you don't feel like reading it stop now.

I was raised LDS. I was taught tattoo's are bad, my body is a temple and it is going to carry me into eternity and I should never degrade it by coloring it or putting holes in it. So why is it that I just recently got a tattoo? I have done SO many things in my teenage years I promised myself I would never do when I was still a kid. I have lived my life completely, putting no restaints on myself and doing whatever I want to do. And I am happy. So why do people keep telling me I'm not happy? It really pisses me off when I meet a nice guy, good looking, smart and often he plays on the basketball team for his college, or perhaps football, and after 10 minutes into our conversation he starts reciting scriptures from the book of mormon to me and starts telling me I"m not truely happy? Like it really puts a damper on the date, there are MUCH better ways of trying to persuade someone into something you beleive in.

I have always been a spiritual person, I beleive in God and like to think I know he loves me and would never want anything bad for me. Jesus Christ is my savior, yes, I beleive in this and LOVE the fact I think I know where I'm going after this world ends. So aparently the second I admit I haven't gone to church in 3 years I am automatically unhappy and on the road to distruction? Perhaps I might agree with the distruction part seeing as how I just got a tattoo but is that really sinning? I could be out on the street addicted to heroine, and even saying that makes me feel so sorry for them, not judge them by the choices they have made. Everyone makes dumb decisions, so if you read that and thought wow those types of people are gross and awful and going to hell, you are judgemental and narrowminded. Sorry, someone has to tell you.

I recently have gained a whole new respect for tattoo's. Yes, on girls they are pretty white trash I'm not gonna lie. I realize I am a girl, and I realize that a butterfly, flower and chinese symbols on the lower back are pretty trashy and usually are called trampstamps. So why did I get a chinse symbol on the back of my neck you ask? Because it has meaning. And that meaning will never go away. And it's a hell of a lot cuter than getting "I've been deceived" written out. That is what my tattoo means. And honestly it is to remind me to never have an affair, cheat or deceive my family. It is to remind me to ALWAYS be myself, and to let other people know where I stand reguardless of their opinions. I don't care about other people's opinions. I really don't. Being in utah has most certainly re-enforced that fact. Sorry if you are from here but I just can NOT stand the judgemental hypocrites that surround me all the time. Especially when they are trying to preach about their beleifs and sin daily, and just because you sin different from them you are made out to be a worse person than them. OPEN YOUR EYES. Jesus loved everyone, he loves that murderers, the robbers, the men who have raped little boys, the drug addicts, the men behind 9/11. HE LOVES THEM ALL. He loves them as much as he loves the most perfect humble human being that has ever walked this earth besides himself. So really, don't judge, it's not even your place to.

One thing my father has taught me, with all of the bad decisions he has made that I will never understand is to BE ME. It is awesome when people are so selfless and are amazing at helping other peole and putting other people first, but there is a point when you need to stop and make sure you are happy too, so you don't all of a sudden have a midlife crisis, have an affair and realize you haven't been happy the past 25 years you have been married, forcing yourself to go to a church you don't beleive in, feeling awful for never amounting to what that church tells you you should be, and leave your wife and kids.

In conclusion I LOVE my tattoo, and when I am old, and people look at me weird because I have a tattoo on the back of my neck I am going to smile and laugh at people's narrowminded judgementalness, because it will remind me that I always made my happiness first on the list, making it possible for me to have a passion for doing humanitarian work because I want to, not because I am told thats what I should do.

So I just realized this is really intense after reading it over, and I think for some reason I have just been needing to get all that frustration out. Hope no one is offended, and if you are, get over it.

2006-11-08T02:28:00.000-08:00

So I figured while I'm catching up, I might as well write the next journal too because I really know how to forget about these assignments.

What I'm thinking about right now, is why I have insomnia. I think I should have chosen insomnia as a topic and maybe I'll change it seeing as how I'm really getting no where with indoor tanning and just like researching how long I can tan for before I get tumors or die from my insides mushing.

Really though, it's 3:23AM and I'm awake just as I would be at about 2 in the afternoon. I've always been a really good sleeper, I can normally fall asleep in any position, anywhere, in about 10 minutes or less. I inherited this sweet gift from my Norwegian grandfather, whom I never had the pleasure to meet, but I'm sure thankful I am in his gene pool.

I work best at night, like writing miscilanious journal assignments, designing my web page and doing math homework. Is this odd? I don't know. Maybe it's because night time is the only time there is actually some silence around this place. Who knows. I just wish my insomnia would dissappear and I could go back to being a stump on the log sleeper!

Anywho, I've been doing a lot of thinking about commitment lately, and I don't feel I am ever going to be ready for commitments such as, paying bills, staying in school, and other parts of life such as marriage. Maybe staying up at night makes me feel free of whatever is holding me hostage in my past. Maybe I'm just mumbling thoughts out of my head because it's late and I'm secretly tired. I don't know. All I do know is life is tough, and I have it really easy so I don't have much to complain about but it's still tough at times. Ok. I'm done. Goodnight.

2006-11-08T02:12:00.000-08:00

Ok so this is super late, but i figure better late than never? Right?

So I chose the topic of the harmful effects of indoor tanning to write about for paper 4. So far I'm having trouble, and researching it is really interesting, but I'm not finding what I need to write this paper. I have written a research paper on this topic before and that in itself has posed many pros and cons.

In researching it, I already have things in mind to look for, and that helps because I am already knowledgable in this subject and know what is a good source or not. What I really would like to do is, be my own source, and not need any, since I already know what I'm dealing with. Peer Review articles will be the death of me, seeing as how I don't think the UVSC library is too fond of my chosen topic.

The cons are making themselves present as my research continues. I have been finding facinating information, about my topic, but nothing that would stand up strong in a bibliography. Knowing a lot of information has hindered my study because I'm looking for certain information, and not openly welcoming other facts I did not know. Well, I'm welcoming them, but not so much as to put them in my paper.

Overall I don't like this process. And I hate note cards. But I've learned they help in the long run, and make the paper easy to put together and to mesh your sources in with eachother well.

So during this research of mine, I've come across many interesting facts. Such as even though doctors generally discourage the use of indoor tanning beds, physician sex and geographical location are associated with certain attitudes taken towards it. Physicians in the northeast and midwest support the use of indoor tanning to treat depression, and improve mood. Neat huh?

Well, I know I enjoy indoor tanning, and as long as you don't get burnt, you have a long life expectancy, so wear indoor tanning lotion, avoid burns and always remember, Wolf before Ruva.

2006-09-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

Eww. Just the thought of filling your lungs with dark smoke and exhaling impurity other than fresh air makes me want to choke. For me, I grew up in a house with all non-smokers, and my mother always taught me that fresh air with the window open at night is the best and healthiest way to sleep. When I was in high school and started to notice friends picking up the habit, it didn't scare me as much disgust me. Most of them didn't start by someone out of no where saying "Hey, wanna smoke, it's the really cool thing to do" like my health teacher warned me of in middle school health class. They just started because they felt like it, it is a personal choice and certainly no one looked down upon a person who doesn't smoke. These days it's like you either do or you don't, and that's that.

Florence King certainly makes a statement for herself. She obviously is very inclined to smoke even though she grew up with it, and was in her mothers womb practically smoking with her. It is natural to want to defend yourself, and others like you, so she uses the argument of anti-tobacco companies and smokists using the hatred of smokers as an alibi to hate what lies beneath the awful habit. This is well documented, the letters she included provided some beefy evidence that maybe her opinion is true. She is stating that smokists are really all about their health and surroundings and are finding ways to hate smoker's for threatening both. Second-hand smoke is certainly a big deal these days. As for the social security bit, are you kidding me? Maybe I have a narrowminded and optomistic point of view, but to think that non smokers are happy that smokers are dying young so they can grow old and insure their social security? Please. I know it is obviously true with the Washington Post making it a headline, but that is just sad to think about. Think about it for a minute.

So obviously people want other people to stop willfully killing themselves, but it is their right to smoke, it is their own way of bringing death closer as it is human instinct to do some form of self destruction. But second hand smoke is really gross, not only gross but dangerous. People get lung cancer from it these days and it is really pulling ahead as a big anti-tobacco headline. Really though as a non-smoker I don't want somebody puffing in my face. Seriously that is the last thing I need. I find myself agreeing with the person who wrote the letters about Jeremiah O'Leary more and more now that I think about it. Smokers do have a tendancy to think the world is their ashtray, and I'm sorry but I don't need buds lying around everywhere. It's just disgusting.

Listen, I don't care if people want to smoke go right ahead. It's none of my business do what you want. Just don't smoke in my presense and don't put out your ciggarette anywhere other than an ashtray of some sort. Thats all I ask and really that is not too much of a difficulty is it?

Everyone has their own habits whether they are good, bad, healthy, gross, dangerous or pleasurable, and it is really the responsibilty of the habit owner to not impose the side effects of the habit onto the non-do-er, like a non smoker. I go tanning, it is dangerous, it could cause cancer, it is addictive, it is risky, all of the above. But I don't make that someone elses problem and it really effects no one but me. That should be the way a habit is taken care of in my eyes. So please, if you smoke, congragulations. Just don't make it a burden to people who don't. It just so happens I would rather kiss than smoke.

2006-09-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

Well going into this journal entry I definetely had to put a lot of thought into it. I don't exactly know what I want to do with my life yet, and the fact that my major is humanities doesn't make anything clearer. All I know is that I want to help people, I want to be someone that people look up to and are inspired by, without me doing much but serving them.

Honestly I chose humanities as my general major because I am facinated by other cultures and their history. I love the people of Africa and giving service to them through humanitarian work was the best thing I have ever done with my life, beyond and metals, any awards or any grades I have obtained. Serving other people has really become and addiction to me, it not only makes you feel good about yourself but you are helping your fellow human beings, and being in Africa was a life changing experience.

Humanities has no definition, it is based on different feilds of the arts. Film and music, architecture, culture, art and sculpture, dance and literature are just some of the broad areas that are studied. Most people who have humanities as a major know which feild they want to study and what they want to do. I however have no idea and am just interested in learning about all of the different cultures in our world, especially Africa.

Africa is a vast continent, filled with many different cultures and languages. Almost every country has it's own government and it's own way of life. Within each country there are is much poverty, starvation, and little economy. It hurt me to see people, human beings, like you and me living in such conditions, and ever since I have set a goal to do as much humanitarian work in the country of Zambia as I can in my lifetime. The last day that I was there we went to a hospital, infact the best hospital in the country of Zambia, to hold pre-mature babies in our hands to comfort since most of their mothers had abandoned them at the hospital when they were born. I'm sure there are few that I saw that day still alive. It hurts me to know that most of them are not, and it hurts me that the ones who remain have little to look forward to in life.

So what will I do with my major? I have no clue. I have yet to find that out, and I know people will always ask me that within the first two minutes of meeting someone. Perhaps I'll switch it to Zoology or something that actually makes sense to other people, but who knows. All I know is I want to continue in my wish to help the people in Africa.

2006-09-07T12:10:00.000-07:00

I am the type of person that when I have a problem, I keep it in the back of my mind until it comes out on its own. Yes this is sometimes dangerous and unhealthy, but I can not help it. Sometimes problems are not yours to fix, like when they are only yours through family and association. For example I can only sit back and watch my parents marriage fall apart. I have no control over it and it has been disintagrating for 5 years. It is a hard thing to watch your family go from utterly pure perfection to on the road to Hell.

Seperation and divorce is so common these days, it makes marriage look like a joke. As the daughter of a seperated couple, I lost most of my faith in love and marriage when I was a young girl. That does not change how much I would like to have a good strong marriage, it just makes me do a thural background check before I go on a date with anyone. Really though, it keeps me awake at night. Thinking about my future and who I'm going to marry and if it will end 25 years after the wedding like my parents marriage did. It is something everyone should be thinking about, and atleast have in the back of their mind that both spouses need to put in 110% for a marriage to last. I'm no expert having never been married, but watching my mom and dad struggle has really made an impact in my life. It bothers me to my very core, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. Everytime our family is together it is silently pondered, questions going unanswered in everyones mind. It is so difficult to hold your tongue knowing you have something to say, but not being able to say it because honestly that isn't my place. What is their challenge is only mine by default.

So now I'm stuck with this, having a broken family, and a broken home. It is not easy. It troubles me and my siblings, and has caused me to make desicions I think I would not have made if they were still together. It sparks a sense of unstability in this world. It makes me sit here and know that there are very few things in this world that last forever. Nothing ever remains the same whether it is changing for good or for bad. Change is the only constant and it scares me to death! How scary is it to think that you can marry a person you think you know and are completely in love with, and then they decide to quit after four children and 25 years of marriage. SCARY. I'm afraid, so very afraid.

There really aren't any solutions. Thats why seperation and divorce are legal. It is going to happen that people change their minds and want a different life. It is really tragic in many cases and I think I'm lucky my Dad didn't leave when I was younger than 14. I'm so thankful for my family and its many problems, and I do beleive that I chose my parents as mine before I came to this world. Why I chose them has yet to reveal itself, but I love my parents and I only want to see them happy whether it is together or far far apart.

My parents seperation has been a challenge, and in some ways a blessing to me. It has showed me that life is reality and all the fairy tales I used to watch when I was little don't happen to everyone. It has really prepared me for finding a future husband and I know I have much more to learn about love and marriage but I am excited to find out about it on my own. Maybe our mistakes in life make our fate, maybe they lead us to where we are supposed to go, who we are supposed to meet, and who we are supposed to one day marry. Nothing is set in stone, life is one journey we have to keep working on.

2006-08-27T12:47:00.000-07:00

Entry 1.

So moving out of the house you grew up in, the family you lived with, or out of a familiar state to attempt to make something of your life and go to college is really...scary. Living with total strangers who lived on the other side of the country, had a whole different life experience and have total opposite opinions from you is intense. My roomates and I are all total opposites, one from Utah born and raised, another from Arizona who is a complete angel in all aspects, another from California who doesn't know what she wants in life, and me, who never wanted to come to Utah in the first place. So with all of this said, the question of why do we conform ourselves into the unknown appears. Are we really still in the process of finding ourselves? Or are we just so afraid that who we are is not good enough for the strangers we will be living with for the next year? Chances are your roomates feel the exact same way you do. Why would anyone come into that situation NOT wanting to be on good terms with roomates? You're just living together, it shouldn't be that difficult of a task to manage. Luckily if you have your own private room like I do, the only thing you really have to manage together is the kitchen and living room. Still, horror stories of bad roomates have surfaced, warnings to younger siblings to watch your food and to not get upset when no one is as tidy as you. Well what is it in us that wants us to conform, to virtually change what we have been for the previous years that have either been loved or hated or however people feel about themselves? Is it the atmosphere? Is it our conscience to just go with the flow and pretend to be something were not? As for me I am completely okay being myself. But still, there are things I have already done that I have not in a long time just because of who my roomates are. Peer pressure is a strong influence, whether for good or bad. I came into this situation knowing there was a good chance my roomates would talk me into going to church with them, but I had no idea that would not be the end of it. It is true that misery and happiness alike love company. Some people just want you to feel the same things they feel, but lose the fact that no one is perfectly a like, everyone has a different life story, and reasons for what they do or do not beleive in. Everyone has their own personal relationship with God, Allah, Budah, whoever, whether it is completely intact, or whether it is non exsistant. So why is it so hard for other people to understand this? Is it possible for us to step outside of our own shoes and take a closer look at why people do the things they do? I think it takes a lot of effort, if one cares to attain more insight into the minds of others. Either way I think that having random strangers for roomates is a learning experience. I think that maybe were all different for a reason, and that we can all help eachother grow. Perhaps comforming to a certain degree is somewhat intentional in this crazy world we live in. We are all on either the path to happiness or sorrow, and maybe were just not all intended to go in the same direction? Maybe it is through trials and tribulations where we gain ourselves, where we find ourselves and become content with who we are, whether it is what other people want us to be or not. Personally I think I have found myself, but I can always learn from others as life is a constant lesson to be learned.